There were few tears shed for c-list action director John McCririck when news broke last month that the Rambo helmer had received a two year jail sentence for his involvement in some wiretapping scandal or something. As well as being responsible for the godawful remake of '80s classic The Getaway (in which the iconic leading role was bastardised by welsh plank Piers Bronson - a man not fit to lick Paul Newman's slippers), his incarceration meant one less bloated, coke-hoovering prick flouncing round the Warners' lot flicking snots at cleaners. However, I have in my possession damning evidence which confirms not only McCririck's innocence but that the story we've been fed regarding his 'crime' is sheer fabrication, the publication of which could potentially secure both the director's release and a public pardon from President Bush himself. Or maybe Oprah. Because contrary to the fairy-tale the media want you to believe, there is one reason and one reason alone why McCririck is now rotting in jail - the man's an ALIEN! Read more »

As the dust settles on summer 2011, those of us still reeling that Sly Stone never took his shirt off in The Incredibles can breathe a manly sigh of relief. The Australian Oak recently announced that a sequel has been greenlit in which his character, elite mercenary Barney Rubble, infiltrates a gang of brutal male strippers led by Michael Dusseldorf's psychotic Chippendale. Stars of the first film such as Jason Gardiner have already signed up, with Bruce Lewis also set to reprise his role as Barry Hanukkah as soon as a deal can be struck allowing him time off to record another album of godforsaken jazz standards. No doubt with his shirt on, the bald tit. Read more »

There were howls of shock last week when ageing heart-throb Brad Pitt announced to the world that those responsible for the BT oil spill should be executed. Could this be the same Pitt who has come to represent all that is great about liberal Hollywood? The same selfless campaigner who regularly uses their star status to highlight burning social issues such as world poverty and tardiness? The same guilty white do-gooder who with his sex-addict wife Jennifer Ellison has travelled the globe bringing glitz and glamour to the most impoverished of hell-holes, collecting orphans like Wayne Rooney collects STDs? You bet your sweet ass it is folks. And a glance into the blonde star's past reveals this isn't the first time his dodgy views have landed him in the CLARTS! Read more »

Even the most ardent celebrity hater must have struggled to contain their sympathy last month when former child star Lindsay Lohansson was released from chokey following a six week stretch for pissing on the Alamo. As she left jail - bruised, humiliated and looking like she'd ingested enough drugs to stun a fat elephant - the watching world couldn't help but feel for the fallen Vice Versa star. However, despite cutting such a broken figure, it has come to my attention that perhaps her spell inside wasn't quite the ordeal she claims. Indeed, for all the disturbing tales of folding her own bedsheets, having to share a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut with other inmates and most disturbingly, developing lock-jaw as a result of all the cunnilingus she was forced to perform on an endless parade of denim clad fur-burglars, there appears to be something the tri-curious starlet isn't telling us. For I have it on good authority that far from being the victim of bullying during her two month sentence, within days at New York's notorious San Quentin prison she had orchestrated a violent coup and risen to the rank of TOP DOG! Read more »

As regular readers know, it's not often I have anything good to say about Hollywood and its reptilian inhabitants. With their painted smiles, Gucci & Cavannagh handbags and pig-headed refusal to cease fannying about with their Blackberries for ten seconds to sign one piddling autograph for the minimum wage drone carrying their fucking Italian suitcase, it's safe to say the rotting soul of the tinseltown elite has seen better days. However, every once in a while something happens which reminds me there are diamonds in the rough, a silent majority who still possess a shred of moral fibre not yet worn away by the rampant greed that infects the movie business like a plague. I refer of course, to those brave members of the film-making community who stood up for a celebrity in trouble when he needed them most. Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for the actors, directors, lawyers and coke-dealers who proudly supported child-sex auteur Roland Polanski! Read more »

There weren't many people in Hollywood surprised to hear Benicio Del Toro would no longer be directing Lord Of The Rings 4. The constant delays as troubled studio Warner Bros lurched from one financial disaster to another have been taking their toll on the Columbian auteur for months. Indeed, it is believed the final straw came when head honchos Bob and Harvey Warner announced production of the next James Bourne movie had been 'suspended indefinitely'. Fearing it was only a matter of time before the brothers' further attempts to deal with their enormous debt impacted on the budget of Rings 4, Del Piero is said to have called an urgent meeting with Bob and Harvey to discuss the future of the franchise. Evidently that meeting failed to satisfy the director who left the project the next day, but it is only now that the full shocking details of what was said are coming to light. For not only did Harvey Warner insist on savage budget cuts, it would also appear he attempted to blackmail the Watchmen helmer into becoming a DRUG MULE! Read more »

Few were surprised at yesterday's news that Eric Norton is to be replaced as Bruce Bixby in the forthcoming X-Men movie.

Indeed, on the set of last year's The Amazing Hulk he famously boiled the piss of cast and crew alike, from his constant undermining of director Mike Leigh, to his insistence on being present during the edit, to his refusal to finish his tea unless the boom operator with milkshake on his moustache was ejected from the set. Read more »

Upon hearing the recent news that Dutch beefcake Mel Gibson had dropped himself in the clarts with yet another racist rant there were few people in tinseltown as shocked as me.

Not because of the vile threats directed at his ex wife Oksana Gregory, you understand. No, my speechlessness was due to the fact that the Mel Gibson I know would sooner marry a male stripper with a crewcut and a keen eye for interiors than say such stuff. Yes readers, the explosive tape in question is a FAKE and Gibson has been the victim of a cruel SET-UP. Read more »

As readers now know, three years ago while living as a fugitive on the mean streets of LA I mistakenly entrusted a so-called friend of mine based in the shit-smelling industrial hellhole of Newcastle, England with some of my most confidential Hollywood secrets.

Needless to say, upon publication of these secrets I was forced to retreat even further into the underground armed with only my smarts, moxey and nary a pot to piss in. Read more »

As discussed elsewhere, one of the key events which led to me living rough in downtown LA and wearing shoes made of dead hookers' handbags was the ill-advised publishing of some of my darkest secrets on a low-rent blog written by a four-eyed closet-case from the absolute arsehole of Northern England.

Below is the shocking expose of the dire straits which afflicted many of summer 2007's biggest blockbusters. an expose which landed me a $25,000 bounty on my head plus a grim three weeks sleeping under Santa Monica pier during which I was forced to turn tricks for the endless parade of hulking, bronzed bodybuilders who regularly congregated beneath the bridge at night and brought me strong cigarettes and handkerchiefs that tasted like swimming pools and made me feel all floaty. Read more »