As readers now know, three years ago while living as a fugitive on the mean streets of LA I mistakenly entrusted a so-called friend of mine based in the shit-smelling industrial hellhole of Newcastle, England with some of my most confidential Hollywood secrets.

Needless to say, upon publication of these secrets I was forced to retreat even further into the underground armed with only my smarts, moxey and nary a pot to piss in.

Now, at great risk to myself, I am allowing these documents to once again live and breathe in the public domain. Below is the damning mission statement that caused one studio head to christen me The Jackal. Though frankly that makes little sense and if I wanted to be named after an animal I'd have picked something cool like a labrador thanks very much. Yet another example of the shortsighted lack of creativity that infects Hollywood like a pox. No matter, here, coming straight at you from 2007, are my top five movie myths exploded.

5. The Wizard Of Oz.

For years an urban myth has persisted that midway through the film an Oompa Loompa appears to hang himself. But we all know it never really happened, the whole thing was concocted by the studios to bury a more disturbing story: In real life the Tin-Man was a ROBOT!

Yes, unbeknown to co-stars Liza Minelli, the Scarerow and the Werewolf, skinflint producer David O'Sullivan hired a robot made by Henry Ford, which between takes was hidden in O'Sullivan's garage. Regularly beaten by drunken midgets angry at their lack of screen time, the robot vowed to grass the producer to Jimmy Hoffman's Teamsters Union. Thinking on his feet, O'Sullivan secretly fired an Oompa Loompa, then faked his suicide as a dire warning to the robot. The robot relented and the production moved on. But after the shoot wrapped, O'Sullivan and a gang of crow bar wielding cast-members (rumoured to include Minelli and the Wicked Witch Of Narnia) entered the garage and smashed the robot to bits. You see those tears in the final scene? He knew his time was up.

But there's more. Details are sketchy but I've learned something else about this troubled production: It wasn't even filmed in Australia! More info when I get it, but in the meantime, ponder this: What became of the sacked Oompa Loompa? I'm working on it, and as ever when I know, you'll know.

4. Don't Look Now.

The scene where they're shagging, right? Donald Sunderland has always denied they were really doing it. Well, I've got news for him, according to my mole, a close friend of co-star Marianne Faithful, not only were they really on the job, but such was Sunderland's inability to get a stiffy, they paid the scary little lady in the red coat to BRING HIM OFF!

The death of Sunderland's daughter had rendered him temporarily impotent and no amount of dirty talk from Faithful could get him boned up. In stepped the midget woman, within three tugs he was like a broom-handle and well, the rest is history. And Sunderland's amnesia of the whole event? It was decided by director Nicholas Parsons that his memory should be erased, so once again up stepped the scary red coat woman, who put a curse on him. That bit at the end when he screams into the camera after he's become an alien? That aint acting, baby.

But there's more. What of the scary red coat woman? What drove her to act so selflessly? Where did she gleam these powers of mind-control? Well, what if I told you it was no woman, but the Oompa Loompa fired by David O'Sullivan some 30-odd years previously? Swings and Roundabouts, kids.

3. Raiders Of The Lost Ark.

One of the greatest myths woven into the fabric of movie lore concerns Harrison Ford's dose of the shits in George Lucozade's adventure classic. But the explanation that he simply shot the guy because he was too ill to film a complex fight scene hides a darker truth. For years many believed Denholm Elliot (the hand-cuff who played Indy's sidekick Marco) took the secret to the grave with him. But having gained access to Elliot's memoirs, I can now bring you the disturbing truth. Lucozade wanted to shoot the whole scene with PUPPETS!

While it's true that Ford's illness made him bow out of the scene, what isn't known is that in his absence they decided to re-shoot the fight scene using high-tech, ultra life-like marionettes invented by the boffins at Industrial Light And Magic. However the prototypes proved unreliable and when Ford got word, he threatened to sue their asses unless they shot the scene his way, with real actors. Hence, the comedy killing we know and love.

But there's more. When James Bond actor Sean Connelly found out, he immediately contacted Ford. Ten years previously, on the set of Live And Let Die a similar case of the runs had incapacitated the bald scot. In his absence, a climactic fight scene involving sharks had been re-shot in a bath using goldfish and Action Men. And who was responsible for this technical re-think? Why none other than young ambitious second unit director, George Lucozade. Ford was livid and both he and Connelly confronted the beardy director. Elliott claims that in both cases it was later found that the man in charge of the onset catering on each occasion was, surprise, surprise, naughty George.

Now I'm not saying they issued Lucozade with an ultimatum to boost their careers and get the director out of the shit. But is it any coincidence that in the sequel The Empire Strikes Back Sean Connelly just happened to be cast as Indy's father Dark Vader? I think we all know the answer to that.

2. The Crow.

For years we have been led to believe that kung fu actor Brendan Lee's death was simply the tragic result of a pretend gun misfiring. But what few people know is that the pretend gun in question had been tampered with. Yes, I have come into possession of autopsy reports, conveniently mislaid at the time, which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the prop gun in question had been illegally filled with Balsamic vinegar! Lee never stood a chance handling a firearm containing such a flammable liquid. But who on earth could have the means and motive to commit such a gross act of treachery? Why, none other than Brendan's own mother, TV chef, RUSTY LEE!

Witnessing her late husband and son's phenomenal success, Lee became bitter and twisted. In her eyes, if Martial Arts could gain a foothold in multiplexes, then why were TV Chefs denied similar opportunities? Having already landed her friend Ainsley Harriott a plum role in Predator after bribing star Sylvester Stallone with regular parcels of grilled salmon, she wanted more. Sensing the publicity that would surround the first culinary movie star, she planned the unthinkable and cruelly snuffed out her young son's life. Thankfully, the plan backfired. While Brendan tragically died, a hush-hush trial followed and Rusty has been on Death Row ever since, incarcerated at a top secret jail in New Mexico for deranged chefs, explaining why she has been notably absent from TV for the last decade. Few are aware of this tragic tale and my repeated interview requests to her brother Spike, critically acclaimed director of Life Is Sweet, have constantly fell on deaf ears. Perhaps the pain is too much.

1. Three Men And A Baby.

We all remember the story of the ghost lingering in the background. It was put to bed when it was revealed that the spectre was in actual fact nothing more than a cardboard cut out of lead star Tony Danza, right? Wrong. While it's true the figure lurking behind the curtain was indeed no ghost, it sure as shit wasn't a cut out either. It was a ZOMBIE!

As is often the case in Hollywood, bringing together three stars of the calibre of Danza, Steve Clattenberg and Tom Selleck brought with it no shortage of egos. Each actor was determined to put their unique stamp on the movie. Only Selleck decided to play dirty. You have to remember this was 1988. Selleck's breakthrough series Macgyver had just been cancelled, and it would be another two years before his comeback, Squiddly Diddly Down Under. In his desperation to disarm the other two, he turned to voodoo. Using black magic skills he'd learnt in Hawaii, he enlisted faithful servant Higgins and the sinister pair exhumed the body of a mutual Hollywood friend. The plan was to sneak their frankenstein into the studio in the hope of frightening away Clattenberg and Danza. Sadly for them, the plan back-fired as the zombie had a severe case of stagefright, only plucking the nerve to wander onset once, a rubbish attempt which went unnoticed by Danza and the entire crew. Until now.

A broken man, Selleck returned to Hawaii and re-buried the useless creature, before reluctantly finishing the movie, the only crumb of comfort arriving when it became a worldwide hit. But it was all too late. While Clattenberg and Danza reaped the benefits (going on to star in The Naked Gun and Scrubs respectively), Selleck sank without trace, save for the odd appearance as Monica's dad in Frasier. But what of the zombie? This 'mutual Hollywood friend'? Well, I'm saying nothing but doesn't it strike you as odd he was so readily mistaken as a child? A man of similar proportions could have easily starred as an Oompa Loompa, say, or a scary knife wielding red-coated woman with exemplary masturbation skills? And wouldn't years of exploitation at the hands of unscrupulous producers make anyone somewhat camera-shy, in this life and the next? I'm saying nowt.