There weren't many people in Hollywood surprised to hear Benicio Del Toro would no longer be directing Lord Of The Rings 4. The constant delays as troubled studio Warner Bros lurched from one financial disaster to another have been taking their toll on the Columbian auteur for months. Indeed, it is believed the final straw came when head honchos Bob and Harvey Warner announced production of the next James Bourne movie had been 'suspended indefinitely'. Fearing it was only a matter of time before the brothers' further attempts to deal with their enormous debt impacted on the budget of Rings 4, Del Piero is said to have called an urgent meeting with Bob and Harvey to discuss the future of the franchise. Evidently that meeting failed to satisfy the director who left the project the next day, but it is only now that the full shocking details of what was said are coming to light. For not only did Harvey Warner insist on savage budget cuts, it would also appear he attempted to blackmail the Watchmen helmer into becoming a DRUG MULE!

It has long been accepted that Warner Bros' crippling $12 billion debt was created by the global recession. However a uniquely placed source has revealed to me that a significant portion is due to older brother Harvey's spiralling gambling addiction.

Having already lost several million on the bingo and scratchcards, the tubby tycoon royally dropped himself and his company in the clarts on Oscar night 2011. Having pinned all their award hopes on Chris Tarantino's You Fat Bastards, the Warners were visibly seething after the violent gulf war epic ended the night empty handed. At an aftershow party hosted by Ben Elton and his partner David Geffen, the notoriously volatile Harvey took exception to Abattoire director Ridley Scott parading his gold statue for Best Picture in full view of the brothers. Unable to contain his rage, he promptly crept up behind Scott and pulled the former King Of The World's football shorts down to his ankles.

As the bearded helmer left in tears, co-host Geffen took Warner to one side and the two were locked in heated discussion for over an hour. It seems the hot-headed studio boss had completely forgotten Geffen was also co-producer of Scott's sci-fi western and was non too pleased with Warner embarassing his star director in front of loads of lasses.

After informing Warner he would receive a $3 billon lawsuit from Scott's lawyers first thing in the morning, flamboyant Geffen offered him one last chance - if Warner could wee higher up the Hollywood sign than him the slate would be wiped clean. Bullish as ever, Warner took the bet - little knowing that as well as being one of the most powerful men in America, Geffen had past form. Indeed, during his high school days the veteran player was known as The Human Hydrant. Few know the exact details of what exactly went on that night in the hills, but it's safe to say that come the finish, Harvey Warner was left with a significant amount of egg on his face. As well as loads of piss.

In the weeks that followed, the Warner brothers' desperate attempts to thrash out a deal in which they could pay back Geffen on the weekly were roundly rejected. As the astronomical interest continued to mount on a daily basis, the brothers were left with no choice but to push on with the production of one of their more lucrative franchises - the Narnia series.

However this was scuppered by the spate of fox attacks in the London suburbs in which thousands of homes were invaded and several children eaten by the bloodthirsty beasts. The British co-financiers immediately pulled the plug on the film. Citing the current climate of fear across the UK, they claimed it had become 'unwise to proceed with a movie in which a gang of kids befriend a tiger what lives in a cupboard'. Fearing for their livelihoods, the following day the Warners halted production on the aforementioned 077 series and peddled their tea-lady.

And it would appear that Del Toro was next in the firing line. According to my spies not only did Bob and Harvey inform the shocked Peruvian that there would be no onset catering for the duration of the ...Rings 4 shoot (leaving stars such as Sir Patrick Stewart and Elijah Doolittle with no choice but to bring their own packed lunches), they also cheekily asked if he could smuggle back two kilos of bugle from Venezuala the next time he took his washing to his mam's.

Del Amitri was furious. The orthodox jew has vowed to never again work with the brothers and the story spreading through Hollywood is that for the studio to survive Lord Of The Rings 4 may have to suffer the same fate as Bond 59 and Narnia 6: The Leopard And His Cousin. Unless of course Bob and Harvey find a director willing to bring his own bait, work for peanuts and fly back from South America once a week with three sandwich bags of high-grade uncut cocaine wedged inside his dirt-box.

Rumours that EastEnd hardcase Nick Love is circling the project like a hawk are unconfirmed at present.

The Labrador
04:08AM
27/7/2010