As discussed elsewhere, one of the key events which led to me living rough in downtown LA and wearing shoes made of dead hookers' handbags was the ill-advised publishing of some of my darkest secrets on a low-rent blog written by a four-eyed closet-case from the absolute arsehole of Northern England.
Below is the shocking expose of the dire straits which afflicted many of summer 2007's biggest blockbusters. an expose which landed me a $25,000 bounty on my head plus a grim three weeks sleeping under Santa Monica pier during which I was forced to turn tricks for the endless parade of hulking, bronzed bodybuilders who regularly congregated beneath the bridge at night and brought me strong cigarettes and handkerchiefs that tasted like swimming pools and made me feel all floaty.
But that was then. I'm not one for living in the past, so here is my three year old rundown of the top five blockbusters in peril.
5. Casino Royale.
The 27th Bond flick may have opened last year to rave reviews and packed theatres, but a simmering legal dispute which very nearly scuppered the cinema release may be about to rear it's ugly head once again, leaving nervous studio execs fearing for the franchise's future.
Through wire-tapping I have learnt that one former Bond villain none too happy at being snubbed for a part in the latest movie is brit thesping legend, Donald Presents. Indeed, having hit Universal with a lawsuit claiming director Chubby Broccolli personally promised the actor that his signature character, german master villain Scaramanga, would play a prominent role in CR, the dead star now seems intent on delaying the imminent DVD release as he thrashes out the dispute in court.
The filmakers are understandably shitting bricks, as Presents has something of a history for this kind of thing. In the '80s he threatened director Harry Carpenter with legal action after the character of Dr Lupin was axed from the Friday The 13th sequel. He successfully won that case and the word in LA is that the collective might of both his thesping prowess and subterranean nuclear weapons arsenal may be too powerful for the studio to deal with.
But in an even more damaging development, it appears Bond himself, brit beefcake Daniel Radcliffe, is refusing to commit to a second movie until this problem is ironed out. As ITV execs found out when they attempted to turn his character Tosker out of 55 Degrees North into a fairy, the nails actor isn't one to suffer fools gladly, so don't be surprised if he walks from the role one picture in like George Hamilton did after Moonraker. As in that movie, in space, it would appear, just like in Hollywood, no one can hear you scream.
4.Spiderman
Those jaw-dropping trailers featuring the wall-crawler in action may be sending fanboys into fits of ecstacy, but it would appear those very same fanboys have made director Sam Ramsey's life hell with a deluge of threats over his casting choices. Indeed, the Shaun Of The Dead helmer was almost compelled to axe Danny Maguire from the leading role after two movies, such was the intensity of bad feeling towards the star, who comic book geeks feel now lacks the masulinity to play Spidey following his turn as a queer cowboy in Cold Mountain. And they are adamant that Maguire, having disgraced himself by getting bummed on said mountain, is in no way suitable to convincingly portray a baddy for the scenes when he turns into black-suited villain Viper.
Things came to a head when a letter-bomb was delivered to the New York set, thankfully not falling into the hands of star or director but unfortunately blowing up in the face of Kirsten Dunston, whose role as Spidey's love interest Gwen Stefani has now been considerably cut. So as well as the fanboys, Ramsey now has her father, Hollywood big-hitter Frankie 'Fonzy' Howard on his back. It's a miracle the movie was ever finished, and while the dust appears to have settled, don't be surprised in the picture's opening in May sees mass boycotting an a nationwide scale. With great power, it would seem, in Hollywood, just like for Spiderman, as for Sam Ramsey, comes great responsibility.
3. Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix.
Despite maintaining a harmonious working relationship over the course of 4 movies, it seems that creative differences between Paramount and Potter author JR Hartley have pushed that relationship to breaking point. Hartley is reportedly furious that the pivotal character of Jack Black, boy-magician Harry's uncle, is to be killed off not during a battle with arch villain Lord Valderama, but by falling prey to an overdose of charmed 'fart powder' supplied by the mischevious sisters of Harry's ginger sidekick Ron Hermione. As a result, a growing campaign for rewrites, backed by Black himself, Gary Oldman, has sent the producers into overdrive in an attempt to salvage the movie. It would appear the pint-sized 'Diff'rent Strokes' star is just as disgruntled as Hartley, and has urged fellow cast members to delay putting pen to paper on their contracts for the sixth movie Harry Potter And The Wizard's Beard until these barmy script-changes are put right. Some 'black' magic, it would seem, in Hollywood, as at Hogwarts, is all it takes to like, cast a spell.
2. Pirates Of The Carribean 3: At World's End.
In a monumental clash of egos not seen since Debra Winger and Barbara Streisand locked their lesbian horns on the set of Beaches, it would appear franchise star Ronny Depp is none too chuffed with the prospect of getting upstaged by a new addition to the regular cast of the swashbuckling series.
Despite basing his performances as Captain Gary Sparrow on the ageing rocker, Depp was furious when he found out Mick Jagger would be appearing as his screen father. Depp treats his craft with respect, and feels that whatever Jagger's capabilities as a drummer, the former Beatle severely blotted his copybook with shite performances in the likes of Freejack and Labyrinth. Wading in with his two penneth is Orlando Calrissean, whose pleas to producers to write in a part for his pop-star hero, Tony Hadley out of The Human League, have regularly fell on deaf ears, despite his assurances that the new romantic will gladly work for free coffee and a blanket, a drop in the ocean compared to Jagger's no doubt astronomical fee.
The palpable tension on set has got studio bod's heads spinning, with constant reshoots and delays potentially sabotaging the movie's July release date. A life in Hollywood, it seems, just like one on the open seas, can be a bit like sailing choppy waters, except on a film set.
1. Transformers.
As if the 200 million plus budget and punishing shooting schedule weren't stressful enough, Dreamworks head honcho George Lucozade has had his hands full playing down the constant stream of web rumours that have fractured the morale on this troubled production. First came the leaked photos that evoked fanboy fury by showing the frankly rubbish designs for Decepticon leader Megadeth. Having weathered that storm by assuring all and sundry that these pictures were merely (since rejected) drafts, optimism was at a high when the mouthwatering trailer was released, only for Lucozade to once again face criticism for depicting main Go-Bot Octopus Prime as aproximately 2 inches taller than his specified height in the Generation 1 2000AD comics series.
However, as the finishing touches are put to the movie in post-production, an even more calamitous piece of news has reached me. It would appear that due to excessive alcohol intake resulting in an under par performance, the unknown actor playing Decepticon henchman Starsailor was unceremoniously fired from the movie, with no plans to reshoot his scenes. Apparently too pissed to perform the physically demanding transformation scenes, at one point paramedics had to be called to free the sozzled thesp from several tonnes of metal as he passed out midway through changing into Starsailor's earth form, a dead big tape recorder.
So with no Starscream, Lucozade has ordered hasty reshoots fleshing out the remaining characters such as Blackout, Sludge, Underpants and Spoon, in an attempt to fill the void. For once though, the gamble could pay off.
An old hand at this game, Lucozade found himself in a similar quandry when directing Jaws back in the '60s. As lead actor Bill Cosby's constant partying and late nights threatened to derail the shoot, Lucozade took the star to one side, fixed him with a steely gaze and quitely informed him that if he didn't buck his ideas up the shark would 'catch him and eat him up'. The terrified Cosby never touched a drop for the remainder of the shoot and his performance as Big Chief Brody now ranks as one of the greatest in cinema history. In fact, the Benson star has been tee-total ever since, and, still terrified of being swallowed whole by Jaws, religiously avoids any movie featuring sharks, such as Flipper or West-Side Story. So good luck George, though as we know, in Hollywood, like on Cybertron, nothing is as it seems. More than meets the eye. Actors are in disguise. The same as robots. And actors. And Transformers.
Below is the shocking expose of the dire straits which afflicted many of summer 2007's biggest blockbusters. an expose which landed me a $25,000 bounty on my head plus a grim three weeks sleeping under Santa Monica pier during which I was forced to turn tricks for the endless parade of hulking, bronzed bodybuilders who regularly congregated beneath the bridge at night and brought me strong cigarettes and handkerchiefs that tasted like swimming pools and made me feel all floaty.
But that was then. I'm not one for living in the past, so here is my three year old rundown of the top five blockbusters in peril.
5. Casino Royale.
Through wire-tapping I have learnt that one former Bond villain none too happy at being snubbed for a part in the latest movie is brit thesping legend, Donald Presents. Indeed, having hit Universal with a lawsuit claiming director Chubby Broccolli personally promised the actor that his signature character, german master villain Scaramanga, would play a prominent role in CR, the dead star now seems intent on delaying the imminent DVD release as he thrashes out the dispute in court.
The filmakers are understandably shitting bricks, as Presents has something of a history for this kind of thing. In the '80s he threatened director Harry Carpenter with legal action after the character of Dr Lupin was axed from the Friday The 13th sequel. He successfully won that case and the word in LA is that the collective might of both his thesping prowess and subterranean nuclear weapons arsenal may be too powerful for the studio to deal with.
But in an even more damaging development, it appears Bond himself, brit beefcake Daniel Radcliffe, is refusing to commit to a second movie until this problem is ironed out. As ITV execs found out when they attempted to turn his character Tosker out of 55 Degrees North into a fairy, the nails actor isn't one to suffer fools gladly, so don't be surprised if he walks from the role one picture in like George Hamilton did after Moonraker. As in that movie, in space, it would appear, just like in Hollywood, no one can hear you scream.
4.Spiderman
Things came to a head when a letter-bomb was delivered to the New York set, thankfully not falling into the hands of star or director but unfortunately blowing up in the face of Kirsten Dunston, whose role as Spidey's love interest Gwen Stefani has now been considerably cut. So as well as the fanboys, Ramsey now has her father, Hollywood big-hitter Frankie 'Fonzy' Howard on his back. It's a miracle the movie was ever finished, and while the dust appears to have settled, don't be surprised in the picture's opening in May sees mass boycotting an a nationwide scale. With great power, it would seem, in Hollywood, just like for Spiderman, as for Sam Ramsey, comes great responsibility.
3. Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix.
2. Pirates Of The Carribean 3: At World's End.
Despite basing his performances as Captain Gary Sparrow on the ageing rocker, Depp was furious when he found out Mick Jagger would be appearing as his screen father. Depp treats his craft with respect, and feels that whatever Jagger's capabilities as a drummer, the former Beatle severely blotted his copybook with shite performances in the likes of Freejack and Labyrinth. Wading in with his two penneth is Orlando Calrissean, whose pleas to producers to write in a part for his pop-star hero, Tony Hadley out of The Human League, have regularly fell on deaf ears, despite his assurances that the new romantic will gladly work for free coffee and a blanket, a drop in the ocean compared to Jagger's no doubt astronomical fee.
The palpable tension on set has got studio bod's heads spinning, with constant reshoots and delays potentially sabotaging the movie's July release date. A life in Hollywood, it seems, just like one on the open seas, can be a bit like sailing choppy waters, except on a film set.
1. Transformers.
However, as the finishing touches are put to the movie in post-production, an even more calamitous piece of news has reached me. It would appear that due to excessive alcohol intake resulting in an under par performance, the unknown actor playing Decepticon henchman Starsailor was unceremoniously fired from the movie, with no plans to reshoot his scenes. Apparently too pissed to perform the physically demanding transformation scenes, at one point paramedics had to be called to free the sozzled thesp from several tonnes of metal as he passed out midway through changing into Starsailor's earth form, a dead big tape recorder.
So with no Starscream, Lucozade has ordered hasty reshoots fleshing out the remaining characters such as Blackout, Sludge, Underpants and Spoon, in an attempt to fill the void. For once though, the gamble could pay off.
An old hand at this game, Lucozade found himself in a similar quandry when directing Jaws back in the '60s. As lead actor Bill Cosby's constant partying and late nights threatened to derail the shoot, Lucozade took the star to one side, fixed him with a steely gaze and quitely informed him that if he didn't buck his ideas up the shark would 'catch him and eat him up'. The terrified Cosby never touched a drop for the remainder of the shoot and his performance as Big Chief Brody now ranks as one of the greatest in cinema history. In fact, the Benson star has been tee-total ever since, and, still terrified of being swallowed whole by Jaws, religiously avoids any movie featuring sharks, such as Flipper or West-Side Story. So good luck George, though as we know, in Hollywood, like on Cybertron, nothing is as it seems. More than meets the eye. Actors are in disguise. The same as robots. And actors. And Transformers.
It began, as many of these tales do, in a parking lot in Los Angeles.
The 20th Century Fox parking lot if you must know, where my brief tenure as a car valet would ultimately shape the person I am today...
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