Sly began drafting the script yesterday with the shoot expected to commence tomorrow, music to the ears of sex-starved '80s action devotees the world over, hardened movie fans so immersed in the the culture of take-no-bullshit masculinity that they feel no shame in crying big fat girl-tears all over the internet the second someone points out their favourite buff film star is looking a little bit porky. Or in the case of fellow Incredible and Spiderman villain Mickey Rourke, like a bulbous-headed Mickey Rourke lookalike wearing a child's size Mickey Rourke mask. With his shirt on. Fucking hell.
Anyway, while that franchise appears to be in rude health, the same can't be said for some of the blockbusters currently in production. Slated for release in summer 2009, this little lot may just need the help of Stone and his gang of tough-as-nails, tight-denim-clad wearing fun-boys if they ever want to see the inside of a multiplex. So here, for the benefit of genuine movie fans across the globe (yes, even that obnoxious little bitch in the Ewok costume who flipped me the bird last Hallowe'en. Because bitterness gets you nowhere. But when you hit 13 I'm gunning for you, shit-eyes), I bring you my rundown of the top five BLOCKBUSTERS IN PERIL!
5. BATMAN 4
The actor is said to be deeply hurt that following his death a decision was made by the Nolans to write his character - insane master villain Pennywise - out of any future installments. Ledger believes he has a case for a discrimination claim against the director and studio and has been encouraging other actors denied work on the grounds of not being alive anymore to do the same. The fact that Nolan recently announced John Gordon Lovitz had been cast as the Fiddler - a thinly veiled rip-off of Ledger's Pennywise - has only angered the dead actor more. A strongly worded email was sent to Nolan in which Ledger threatened to invade the set with fellow ghosts and 'make the crew shit their pants' unless he is immediately re-cast as Pennywise.
The studio and director are taking these threats very seriously, especially as Ledger is believed to have forged many new friendships since passing over to the other side - not least with respected director Cesar Romero, whose army of zombies from the celebrated Evil Dead flicks would certainly come in handy when frightening away boom operators and tea ladies. Indeed, with Ledger and Romero both sharing something of a thespian kinship (at different stages in their careers both men have played Buttons) it's hard to see how this can possibly end well. My money's on the studio caving in and allowing Ledger back in but only under the proviso that he cleans up after himself, ceases walking through walls, and signs a contract stating explicitly that his big pal Errol Flyn not be allowed within beasting distance of the set. Watch this space.
4. CAPTAIN AMERICA - THE FIRST X-MAN
Despite Jordan's belief that floppy ears would look silly on a tough, crime-fighting vigilante, Evans is sticking up for the fanboys and remaining stubborn in his view that the only way to effectively defeat bad guys with nothing more than grit, steel and a flamethrower, is to do so while wearing large fluffy 'perp-locating antennas' that just so happen to look like the lugs sported by the sexy bunny on the Nestle Flake adverts.
It's almost certain Jordan's fighting a losing battle. Evans has form with this kind of dispute. Ten years ago, on the set of The Famous Five he kicked up a right stink when the producers insisted his character Hot Rod wear green underpants. Evans argued that the realism of his character would be diminished if he wore such a garment, particularly as Hot Rod's superpower of being able to turn into lightning would surely mean said undercrackers would burn to a crisp the second he shouted 'game on!'. After disastrous test screenings in which virtually every card came back with a negative comment about the green kegs, the producers relented, digitally erasing the underwear and replacing them with a fire-breathing man-cock.
It certainly seems Evans is one naked flame who won't be getting blown out anytime soon.
3. HARRY POTTER AND THE MAGICIAN'S HORSE
Despite the studio assuring Yates that the dragons will be heavily sedated, surrounded by marksmen and treated to a buffet and grooming session beforehand to keep them in good spirits, both he and the actors are privately terrified at the thought of having to shoot scenes with these notoriously prissy creatures. Indeed, Yates himself has experienced their pernickity behaviour before when working as a runner on Jim Henson's The Princess Bride in the '70s. During the trying shoot he witnessed first hand their diva-like demands - even watching helplessly as one beast flipped and incinerated a hapless extra who asked for a photograph.
However, if the director is wary of the prospect of working with these evil animals, that's nothing compared to his actors. Ageing piss-artist Peter O'Toole has reportedly told his agent that there's more chance of him 'ordering a slim-line tonic than acting alongside some bloody dinosaur', giving producers the potential headache of having to find a fourth Professor Bumblebee in as many years. And the lovely Emma Granger is even more concerned.
Experimentations with live-action creature-casting has already been attempted once in the Potter-verse, ending disastrously after one of the real goblins got drunk on Butterbeer and bit Ms Granger on the snatch. Ironically, the goblins have been complete digital creations ever since, which has been a cause of much anger for pint-sized thesping legend Danny Baker - last seen in Harry Potter 2- The Rat's Back - who was fired for publicly defending the midget accused of sinking his teeth into the lead actress's vagina. Today, Baker has forigiven the studio for the whole affair, but the Willow star remains convinced penny-pinching execs are asking for trouble using real dragons, and vows to have the last laugh when one of them breaks free and causes havoc on set. 'Let's see who the short-arse is when all your snatches are bitten off!' he warned yesterday.
2. THOR - HAMMER TIME
Luckily for fanboys everywhere, Holmes immediately stepped in and warned Barlow that he would have a riot on his hands if he ruined the ambience of the piece by populating the screen with 'limey pussies'. He told the helmer in no uncertain terms that a re-think was needed, and fast, before these Oxford softies derailed the whole film. 'This ain't The Importance Of Being fuckin' Earnest, man' the hellraiser warned.
Somewhat intimidated by Holmes' bulky frame and chronic whiskey addiction, Barlow relented and by the first day of shooting only his old friend Richard 'Pryorsy' Pryor remained, in a much reduced role as Thor's evil uncle Obi. However, it is rumoured Barlow strongly objected to having his judgement questioned by a fat alcoholic and has since deliberately set out to direct the film with as little vision and creativity as humanly possible, a trick he pulled off with Peter's Friends some thirty years earlier. Indeed, sources tell me that Barlow has stated the whole experience was 'ghastly and horrid' and that he hopes to return to his first love - the theatre - as soon as possible. Barlow has told friends the constant compromise and business aspect of Hollywood blockbusters is simply not for him, and is hungry to sink his teeth into something more esoteric, beginning with his production of Roy 'Fatty' Brown's christmas tour King Dong Merrily On High.
For the rest of us, we can now sleep easy that our favourite rider on the storm will gallop into cinemas in 2012 without the annoying distraction of rubber-faced funnyman Ron Atkinson playing his fucking horse.
1. TRANSFORMERS - REVENGE OF THE DINO-ZOIDS
After token piece of crumpet Meg Morris fled the project citing 'irreconceivable differences' (believed to be a result of Bay's insistence that she film a light comedy scene in which her character Michaela Strachan is set upon in the shower by a pack of horny iDogs), many believed Bay had realised the error of his ways. No such luck. His shocking outburst on the set of Predator: Salvation, in which he loudly berated a runner who turned up for work wearing flip-flops, was only the tip of the iceberg.
Reports filtering back from the Transformers shoot suggest that a mere two weeks into filming his human actors have been dropping like flies, physically and emotionally exhausted by the director's brutal boot-camp regime, in which the cast are forced to endure painstaking assault courses for six hours a day in order to mentally prepare for battle with the big robots. Indeed, lead actor Frank Le Boeuf is rumoured to have sustained severe injuries after falling 200 feet from a hastily constructed Tarza' over Hoover Dam. Thankfully, it would appear there still exists some solidarity in Hollywood. The day after Le Boeuf's plunge (in which the Empire Strikes Back funnyman broke every bone in his chin), the toplining robot stars lead by Octopus Prime and Orgasmatron put aside their differences and presented a united front by downing tools and demanding the cruel treatment of their human co-stars cease immediately.
Many were surprised when Bay instantly backed down. However, that evening, still basking in the warm glow of successful industrial action, the Transformers were kidnapped from their bunk-beds in the dead of night, taken to a field, smashed to bits and urinated on by a gang of crow-bar wielding feral youths. Bay swiftly announced on his blog that the robots would now be wholly constructed using CGI, and that his well-paid cast of human actors could 'like it or lump it'. Some may see this as Bay simply quelling an uprising and asserting his authority. However there are very real fears that he may have taken a huge gamble. For the CGI software earmarked to perform the arduous task of bringing to life a dozen 200 ft robots just happens to be the very same software originally intended for the new Harry Potter film.
20th Century Fox clearly see the Transformers franchise as a bigger cash-cow than the four-eyed boy wizard. But this financial favouritism could yet see blood on their hands should the unthinkable strike the Potter shoot. My spies tell me that the cast and crew on the Hog-Roast set are primed and ready for any catastrophe, and that the lawsuits will fly with the dark fury of Lord Valderama himself should one of those dragons so much as look at Emma Granger's snatch. And all so a gobshite director and a gang of picketing automatons could have their day in the sun.
This place is death, kids.
The Squirrel
03:14am
20/09/2010
It began, as many of these tales do, in a parking lot in Los Angeles.
The 20th Century Fox parking lot if you must know, where my brief tenure as a car valet would ultimately shape the person I am today...
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