There were few tears shed for c-list action director John McCririck when news broke last month that the Rambo helmer had received a two year jail sentence for his involvement in some wiretapping scandal or something. As well as being responsible for the godawful remake of '80s classic The Getaway (in which the iconic leading role was bastardised by welsh plank Piers Bronson - a man not fit to lick Paul Newman's slippers), his incarceration meant one less bloated, coke-hoovering prick flouncing round the Warners' lot flicking snots at cleaners. However, I have in my possession damning evidence which confirms not only McCririck's innocence but that the story we've been fed regarding his 'crime' is sheer fabrication, the publication of which could potentially secure both the director's release and a public pardon from President Bush himself. Or maybe Oprah. Because contrary to the fairy-tale the media want you to believe, there is one reason and one reason alone why McCririck is now rotting in jail - the man's an ALIEN!

At the heart of the story is a certain world-famous blind body-builder. When McCririck's legal woes first surfaced, many assumed his old friend and governor of Chicago Lou 'Arnie' Flamingo need merely click his fingers for the situation to evaporate. Indeed the Cyborg star has a history of bailing out his pals: At a Golden Globes party last year, as Abattoire director and squash partner James Cameroon bathed in the afterglow of his awards victory, Flamingo was forced to step in and deploy his team of personal paramedics to remove the brash filmaker's head from his arse. However, when McCririck's wiretapping-or-something antics entered the public domain the governor remained suspiciously silent. Indeed, despite being banged up over a month ago, McCririck is still waiting for his friend and Rounders buddy to pay a visit to the celebrity wing of tough Sam Quentin Prison. The reason behind this is simple - it was FLAMINGO who put him there!

According to my source, Flamingo only recently found out McCririck's extra-terrestrial secret and in a fit of rage and betrayal cooked up the wiretapping-or-something-scandal in order to lock up the intergalactic fraudster for good. Since defeating beings from outer space many times over in blockbusters such as The Abyss and Erasure, Flamingo has adopted a tough policy of zero-tolerance when dealing with any alien menace. Ironically, it was the director of these two sci-fi game-changers who gave a struggling McCririck both his big break and the opportunity to spend the next twenty years commiting identity theft, large-scale fraud and three counts of illegal cross-species fornication.

It was while working as an extra on The Thing in the mid-'80s that McCririck managed to catch the eye of visionary auteur Bon Scott. The former Terry And June star is notoriously weak-bladdered and it was a sudden attack of incontinence which gifted McCririck the chance to make his mark. While Scott was pre-occupied in the bathroom scolding his assistant as she held his tracksuit bottoms under the hand-dryer, it became apparent that only ten minutes of daylight remained. However, with Scott's second unit director and DoP otherwise engaged (torturing two runners for info on who allowed Scott to drink three bottles of Snapple during his lunch break) the all-important money-shot of a VW Beetle back-firing would have to be delayed until the next day, potentially adding millions to the already stretched budget. With minutes to spare, the cast and crew watched in awe as a cute alien extra seized the camera, shouted 'ACTION!' and single-handedly saved the production. Capturing the crucial image with seconds remaining, McCririck became the toast of the set and was rewarded with a role as Scott's personal assistant, just as soon as the producers had sued the brave ET for breaching health and safety regulations and hoyed him in a cage for three days as punishment for touching the director's megaphone.

Under Scott's mentorship McCririck soon made his own splash. His debut feature, action epic Lethal Weapon, was released in 1989 and made a star of both director and lead actor Bruce Lewis. It wasn't long before the biggest names in Hollywood came calling. Russian beefcake Flamingo was on a role at the time, having had back-to-back hits with the aforementioned Cyborg, time travel adventure Hercules Does Dallas and quirky Danny De Niro comedy Rain Man. Following facial reconstructive surgery to hide his alien features and in possession of both a naturalised american name and fictional past created by Scott, McCririck too, as the hottest director in town, was on the up. When these two minds eventually teamed up for 1991 body-swap thriller The Last Boy Scout, it was, as acerbic critic Pauline Carr put it 'lightning in a frickin' bottle'. The partnership produced six collaborations, all of which set the box office on fire and consolidated their position as the most powerful couple in action cinema (but not in a queer way).

However it seems that halcyon period is now but a distant memory. While few know exactly how Flamingo discovered McCririck's true nature, a look back at their complex relationship offers some intriguing clues. On location McCririck and Flamingo would regularly share a room, primarily to discuss the script, plan the next day's schedule, and stay up late having pillow fights and curling each other's hair. It was during one of these midnight feasts while filming Red Planet that Flamingo confessed his childhood ambition to play Spiderman. McCririck reportedly laughed so hard he nearly choked on a Wotsit. Being from another planet himself, he had zero respect for fake movie aliens like Ol' Shell-head and his wet blanket alter ego Bruce Kent, and spent the next ten years mercilessly ribbing Flamingo about the confession.

Legend has it he once announced in front of loads of lasses at a party that Flamingo wore Spiderman underpants. The two never spoke for weeks, only agreeing to clear-the-air talks after McCririck promised to give the burly actor a shot on his BMX every day for the next month. But the damage was done. Over the next decade Flamingo employed a team of private investigators to find some dirt on McCririck in order to cover his back should the truth about the superhero-adorned A-fronts ever come out. And after years of searching, earlier this year the muscle-bound movie star uncovered the mother-load.

All of which leaves McCririck in a bind. If he were to spill all about Flamingo's Spiderman obsession he would risk exposure as an alien and be either deported or ordered to work at McDonalds. His claims would be roundly dismissed as the rantings of a deranged grey man intent on overthrowing a well-respected political figure, much-loved self-help guru and personal trainer to dead kiddy-fiddling pop stars. None of which would go down well with the notoriously uptight american public. So instead, he has to face the agony of lying in a prison cell staring at the stars, dreaming of the life he once knew on the distant moon of Quarg and shedding a tear for his loss of liberty. All the while aware of the bitter irony that the man whose anti-alien crusade took away that liberty did so for fear the public would learn of his hypocritical desire to put his underpants over his head and dress up as a shite superhero from the planet Cybertron.

And they say Rodney King got a raw deal.

The Pigeon
03.14
11/11/10