Upon hearing the recent news that Dutch beefcake Mel Gibson had dropped himself in the clarts with yet another racist rant there were few people in tinseltown as shocked as me.
Not because of the vile threats directed at his ex wife Oksana Gregory, you understand. No, my speechlessness was due to the fact that the Mel Gibson I know would sooner marry a male stripper with a crewcut and a keen eye for interiors than say such stuff. Yes readers, the explosive tape in question is a FAKE and Gibson has been the victim of a cruel SET-UP.
The impact on Mel's career has already been immense. Due to return to his role as Chief O'Hara in Batman 4 this week, the shoot was delayed as director Kevin Nolan fell mysteriously ill. Word on the walk of fame though, is that Nolan has called urgent crisis talks with the studio due to a cast revolt led by veteran co-star Lester Freeman.
The two are said to be at loggerheads, with the black actor refusing to film his scenes as Alfred the Butcher and threatening to walk unless Gibson issues a full apology, or at the very least allows the other cast members (including Sir Laurence Olivier and her out of My So Called Life) to film the star dancing along to The Birdy Song in only his socks and school shoes. This deal-breaker however, will cut zero ice with wildman Mel, who has a well-documented loathing of The Tweets, even going so far as blaming the german techno duo for 'famine, every war ever, tardy bus-drivers and dropping that tin of dogfood on my foot in 1991'.
With the production now ground to a halt as both sides refuse to budge, it appears the notorious cassette may yet destroy one of Hollywood's most profitable franchises. But this is the least of the Austrian action man's worries. A more disturbing repurcussion has been the reaction of Gibson's friends. Not least his Die Hard co-star Danny Wallace.
The black actor is reportedly furious at his old pal. Indeed Wallace, currently in the Bahamas filming Snakes On A Plane 3, was said to be so apopleptic with rage when he heard the news that he retreated to his luxury hotel room for a whole day, during which time he supposedly PUNCHED a pillow and threw FIZZY POP into the fire. The movie tough guy only calmed down after crew members assured him if he tidied up the mess he would be allowed to stay up late and watch Spitting Image. Wallace cooled off and accepted the deal but his fellow Snakes... cast-member Steve Clattenberg was livid at the diva strop as on the night in question he was sent to bed at 9pm sharp.
The former funny man is now refusing to speak to his co-star and was yesterday caught red-handed by security guards drawing a cock on Wallace's lunchbox. It would seem yet another production has descended into chaos as a result of this notorious tape.
But what is actually on the tape? Well, as one of only four people to have heard the damn thing - the other three presumably too shit-scared of Hollywood's PC elite to come out and tell the truth - it's time to dish the real dirt. Sure, it's Gibson's voice on there - that unmistakeable Californian drawl with just a hint of Germanic menace is all Mel - but the words the media are reporting back to you, dear readers, are as far from the truth as Gibson is from an oiled-up shaven-headed body-builder rolling round a dancefloor wearing nothing but a leather thong and a knowing smile. In fact, to find the skinny on Mel's supposedly racist tract you have to travel back a decade, to one of the rare misteps on Mel's glittering CV.
For it was on the set of Stephanie Meyer's poorly judged rom-com What Do Women Want? that the seeds of Mel's destruction were sewn. During the scene where Gibbo - as a hapless salesman forced to switch bodies with Jodie Foster - inexplicably dons lingerie, make-up and a blonde wig for the purpose of a lame sight-gag involving Alan Arkin's randy billionaire, check out the body language. The actor is far from happy and understandably so - as if asking the man who was Derek Riggs to squeeze his honed and manly physique into ladies' underwear wasn't humilliating enough, they then expect him to bring the funny as he gets sexually pestered by Oddball out of M*A*S*H.
But there was more to Mel's discomfort. While getting dressed for the scene, he had inadvertently cut his thumb trying to open the packaging on an M&S thong. To make matters worse, the serrated plastic on the outer casing had chafed against the star something nasty while it rested on his knee. Hard man he may be but most of us would struggle to perform on camera after such a trauma. And the twitchy, distracted performance he gives in the scene betrays a man in serious pain. And it's haunted Gibson ever since.
Indeed, the physical and mental scars from the incident have time and time again proved instrumental in sending the Kiwi actor on a downward spiral. Drink, drugs, calling a copper Sugar Tits, his accent in Patriot Games - all these destructive forces can be traced back to the underwear trauma.
And it would appear once again this stressful memory has played a part in his downfall. Having listened to the tape several times over I can confirm that at no point does Mel either wish rape upon his wife nor use the N word. Whether his actual comment was more or less severe is for you to decide. For I can now reveal that in the heat of the moment, far from dishing out racial slurs, Gibbo dug deep into his psyche, summoned up his worst nightmare and wished it upon Oksana Gregorivitch in the most graphic way imagineable - by telling her she deserved to be SCRAPED by a pack of KNICKERS.
And there it is. A life in pictures ruined by the mercenary antics of a gold-digging wife and her cloth-eared conspirators. The tabloid tittle-tattle will continue and Mel's career could be over. Indeed, we may never again see his naked torso caked in sweat as he performs push-ups on the steps of Capitol Hill before rescuing scores of teens in bathers from a burning boys' school. But if I can do my damnedest to clear an innocent man and save one of the brightest stars in Hollywood, then I'm gonna do my damnedest to clear an innocent man and save one of the brightest stars in Hollywood.
If you're reading this, be safe in the knowledge that you know the FULL story, have heard the ABSOLUTE truth. Take it from someone who knows and above all else, cares, damn it. Cares enough to pass on the real story in the hope that other icons of the acting world may never again have their good names tarnished by fictitious slander and rampant avarice. Together, readers, we can foil these vindictive rumour mongers. We can do it.
Mind, the bit about burning her house down after she'd sucked him off was cock-on.
The Shepherd
03:09
08/08/2010
Not because of the vile threats directed at his ex wife Oksana Gregory, you understand. No, my speechlessness was due to the fact that the Mel Gibson I know would sooner marry a male stripper with a crewcut and a keen eye for interiors than say such stuff. Yes readers, the explosive tape in question is a FAKE and Gibson has been the victim of a cruel SET-UP.
The two are said to be at loggerheads, with the black actor refusing to film his scenes as Alfred the Butcher and threatening to walk unless Gibson issues a full apology, or at the very least allows the other cast members (including Sir Laurence Olivier and her out of My So Called Life) to film the star dancing along to The Birdy Song in only his socks and school shoes. This deal-breaker however, will cut zero ice with wildman Mel, who has a well-documented loathing of The Tweets, even going so far as blaming the german techno duo for 'famine, every war ever, tardy bus-drivers and dropping that tin of dogfood on my foot in 1991'.
With the production now ground to a halt as both sides refuse to budge, it appears the notorious cassette may yet destroy one of Hollywood's most profitable franchises. But this is the least of the Austrian action man's worries. A more disturbing repurcussion has been the reaction of Gibson's friends. Not least his Die Hard co-star Danny Wallace.
The former funny man is now refusing to speak to his co-star and was yesterday caught red-handed by security guards drawing a cock on Wallace's lunchbox. It would seem yet another production has descended into chaos as a result of this notorious tape.
But what is actually on the tape? Well, as one of only four people to have heard the damn thing - the other three presumably too shit-scared of Hollywood's PC elite to come out and tell the truth - it's time to dish the real dirt. Sure, it's Gibson's voice on there - that unmistakeable Californian drawl with just a hint of Germanic menace is all Mel - but the words the media are reporting back to you, dear readers, are as far from the truth as Gibson is from an oiled-up shaven-headed body-builder rolling round a dancefloor wearing nothing but a leather thong and a knowing smile. In fact, to find the skinny on Mel's supposedly racist tract you have to travel back a decade, to one of the rare misteps on Mel's glittering CV.
For it was on the set of Stephanie Meyer's poorly judged rom-com What Do Women Want? that the seeds of Mel's destruction were sewn. During the scene where Gibbo - as a hapless salesman forced to switch bodies with Jodie Foster - inexplicably dons lingerie, make-up and a blonde wig for the purpose of a lame sight-gag involving Alan Arkin's randy billionaire, check out the body language. The actor is far from happy and understandably so - as if asking the man who was Derek Riggs to squeeze his honed and manly physique into ladies' underwear wasn't humilliating enough, they then expect him to bring the funny as he gets sexually pestered by Oddball out of M*A*S*H.
But there was more to Mel's discomfort. While getting dressed for the scene, he had inadvertently cut his thumb trying to open the packaging on an M&S thong. To make matters worse, the serrated plastic on the outer casing had chafed against the star something nasty while it rested on his knee. Hard man he may be but most of us would struggle to perform on camera after such a trauma. And the twitchy, distracted performance he gives in the scene betrays a man in serious pain. And it's haunted Gibson ever since.
Indeed, the physical and mental scars from the incident have time and time again proved instrumental in sending the Kiwi actor on a downward spiral. Drink, drugs, calling a copper Sugar Tits, his accent in Patriot Games - all these destructive forces can be traced back to the underwear trauma.
And it would appear once again this stressful memory has played a part in his downfall. Having listened to the tape several times over I can confirm that at no point does Mel either wish rape upon his wife nor use the N word. Whether his actual comment was more or less severe is for you to decide. For I can now reveal that in the heat of the moment, far from dishing out racial slurs, Gibbo dug deep into his psyche, summoned up his worst nightmare and wished it upon Oksana Gregorivitch in the most graphic way imagineable - by telling her she deserved to be SCRAPED by a pack of KNICKERS.
And there it is. A life in pictures ruined by the mercenary antics of a gold-digging wife and her cloth-eared conspirators. The tabloid tittle-tattle will continue and Mel's career could be over. Indeed, we may never again see his naked torso caked in sweat as he performs push-ups on the steps of Capitol Hill before rescuing scores of teens in bathers from a burning boys' school. But if I can do my damnedest to clear an innocent man and save one of the brightest stars in Hollywood, then I'm gonna do my damnedest to clear an innocent man and save one of the brightest stars in Hollywood.
If you're reading this, be safe in the knowledge that you know the FULL story, have heard the ABSOLUTE truth. Take it from someone who knows and above all else, cares, damn it. Cares enough to pass on the real story in the hope that other icons of the acting world may never again have their good names tarnished by fictitious slander and rampant avarice. Together, readers, we can foil these vindictive rumour mongers. We can do it.
Mind, the bit about burning her house down after she'd sucked him off was cock-on.
The Shepherd
03:09
08/08/2010
It began, as many of these tales do, in a parking lot in Los Angeles.
The 20th Century Fox parking lot if you must know, where my brief tenure as a car valet would ultimately shape the person I am today...
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